5 tips for successful breastfeeding

by admin on February 7, 2013 in Breastfeeding with 1 Comment

Breastfeeding your child helps ensure their optimal development, and offers many positive effects for you as well. Here are 5 simple strategies that will help your breastfeeding relationship get off to a great start:

1. Build your support system.

If you have a partner or family nearby, ensure they are educated as to why this is so important to you and your baby (KellyMom and Dr. Sears are must-haves for your bookmarks,) and have them help you in any way they can.

Whether or not you have the support of those around you, join an online community of moms who have experience and expertise. Some of the Facebook communities that I find helpful are: Dispelling Breastfeeding Myths, and Natural Parent Magazine.

Many pregnancy and baby forums, like Mothering.com also have groups specifically dedicated to breastfeeding. The social nature of these groups also ensures you have a relatively anonymous place to vent and ask questions you may not feel comfortable talking to your friends and family about.

2. Keep your baby close.

Plan to be holding or wearing your baby most of the day in the first months. Having the baby in-arms will make it easier to nurse on demand and become aware of her cues. Wearing your baby is the most practical way to meet her needs and yet still be able to go about your daily life. The Moby Wrap is a great product for newborns and infants, and is both comfortable and beautiful. Youtube has great video tutorials for how to wear and nurse your baby in different holds.

Nightime is a peak time for breastfeeding, so rather than worry about losing sleep to nightfeedings, maximize your comfort and convenience by cosleeping. Easy access to the breast at night means you are less likely to need to physically get out of bed for feeds, and before long, will be able to remain asleep when your baby becomes accustomed to helping herself. I always sleep topless for this reason, though in the early months I was prone to leaking and soaking the bed, so I always had extra layers underneath us. I plan to write more about strategies for successful cosleeping in the future.

3. Don’t have formula. 

When you are going through challenges, a bottle of formula can be tempting and seem harmless. However, in the early months, missing feeds will make it more difficult to establish a supply, since your body responds to the demand. Nipple-preference is another problem for babies who develop a preference for the fast-flow of the bottles. To avoid these problems, Put the baby to your breast as soon as possible after birth, and allow her to suckle as often as she likes thereafter. By keeping formula out of the house, you minimize temptation, and can focus on meeting the challenges with your baby and getting to the next stage. (It gets easier, and the early challenges are so worth it!) If you are worried about intake, you can monitor your baby’s weight gain with your doctor. Remember, it takes up to a week for your milk to come in, so early weight loss is normal and expected. Barring rare situations, this is not a reason to supplement.

Don’t listen to anyone who says you must put the baby on a schedule or nurse at set intervals. Remember that barriers to successful nursing for many of us are largely psychological ones, so this is when to call on your support system to encourage you and help you not to feel alone or overwhelmed.

4. Get comfortable nursing in public.

If you don’t want to feel trapped at home, you will before long want to venture out with your baby, and you will likely need to nurse her at least once if you are planning to be out for more than an hour. Again, this is where having a support network will come in handy. When you realize how many other new parents have faced the same apprehension about baring their breasts in public, it will be easier to conquer any fear and do what needs to be done.

There are plenty of outspoken advocates of normalizing public breastfeeding to look to for support and inspiration, and I try to be one myself. I don’t wear a cover since I believe it is important that more young people see people nursing in public. That, and I found the cover to be a hassle.

If you don’t wish to be an iconoclast, there are plenty of stylish and discreet nursing covers that will offer you and your baby some privacy. I find it helpful to nurse while wearing the baby in the sling, wrap, or ergo carrier, which is a discreet and hands-free option.

5. Be patient. Zen. 

Many people think that since breastfeeding is ‘natural’ that it is easy and shouldn’t be a learning process. While it certainly becomes easy once you make it past the hurdles, in the beginning it can extremely challenging, both physically and emotionally.

I am a supporter of extended nursing, which is nursing past the age of 2, so I found it helpful not to think too much about time frames or expectations, and instead focus on strengthening my relationship with my baby and body each day, and relax into the process.

I also love Baby-Led Weaning, which means your baby learns to self-feed herself solid food at her own pace, usually sometime after 6 months (mine were over a year before they showed any real interest,) and it takes the pressure off you to introduce solids at any specific time.

The benefits of breastfeeding and reasons why a long nursing relationship is so worthwhile deserves a full post of its own. I hope you find some of these strategies helpful for yourself or in supporting other new parents.

Have you experienced any breastfeeding barriers or have tips to share?  Leave a comment or join the discussion on facebook!

5 ways local libraries can remain relevant

by admin on February 6, 2013 in Education with No comments

Public libraries were once revolutionary. In times of information scarcity, libraries were the original file-sharing networks that gave people access to books without having to buy them. The librarian’s function as facilitator and curator of knowledge is one that remains more relevant than ever, in different capacities.

DOK Library. +

 

Faced with the challenge to remain relevant in the post-internet world, many libraries are going digital. In addition to this trend, local and grade school libraries have the opportunity to evolve their role in local communities in order to  build skill-sets, encourage local projects and host new learning opportunities for children. Without further ado, here are some things libraries could adopt:

 

  1. Provide e-readers and tablets for educational use. Tablets can be stored in protective and durable cases, and can be programmed to only run certain applications. Many children do not have access to expensive devices and applications at home, so libraries are a logical non-profit entity to facilitate the availability of these devices for all.

  2. New and renovated libraries should include a public Hackerspace. (I was in a hackerspace when I saw their rule was “Be Excellent to each other,” which was when I decided NeoParent’s slogan should be, “Be Excellent to the next generation.”)

  3. Non-fiction literature should have a strong focus on involving children in their local community. Examples of locally focused learning include: regional geography/gardening, wiki-groups, social issues, clubs, and local governance issues. Lack of accessibility and accountability to the entire community has long been an issue in local-level politics, and libraries have the opportunity to serve as public information access hubs so that people can gather and come up with local solutions.

  4. Public office space. This one is for adults, but I wanted to include it anyways. For people seeking self-employment online, having a free place to go and work is a huge value if they are either homeless or lack adequate workspace at home. Current public computers often offer extreme time limitations, with no privacy or opportunity to make phone calls. Having a public, work-friendly cubical-style computer lab, with Skype and expensive software access could potentially add a lot of value to the community.

  5. Operate more like Community Schools. I am on the board for a non-profit community school society, which provides educational activities, events, and classes that the public can register for, usually for free, outside of school hours. All classes have a literacy component, and seek to make learning multi-sensory and enjoyable for kids. For example, a cooking class for kids includes learning proportions and basic math calculations. For older kids there are things like homework clubs and self-esteem workshops. I recently learned that our local library is hosting a baby sign-language course. I envision that school libraries in particular could support before-school breakfast clubs by distributing morning newspapers for discussion. I would also like to see more libraries host public courses for graphic design, robotics (and/or makerspaces), and science, as well as host salons (not the hair kind,) to give platform to social issues.

Libraries have potential to create value as community-learning spaces and continue to provide an important service of curation and literacy support for children. It is my vision to see local and school libraries become innovative hives that support these values and allow more people the opportunity to gain new skills and connect with their community.

What else would you like to see in your library? Are there other ways in which community-based learning could be re-imagined? Leave us a comment here or join the discussion on our Facebook!

Diaper-free by 9 months

by admin on February 3, 2013 in Uncategorized with No comments

Today I was sent an interesting study on elimination communication. When toilet training begins at birth, the need for diapers is usually eliminated by 9 months.

baby peeing in the street (c) www.vagabondjourney.com

Researchers at Sahlgrenska Academy, University of Gothenburg, followed 47 Vietnamese mothers for two years to study their potty training procedure, which begins at birth and generally eliminates the need for diapers by nine months of age. The technique is based on learning to be sensitive to when the baby needs to urinate.

“The woman then makes a special whistling sound to remind her baby,” Anna-Lena Hellström says. “The whistling method starts at birth and serves as an increasingly powerful means of communication as time goes on.” (source)

 

I have never used this technique on my babies since we were constantly out and about, and live in a colder climate where bundling is usually necessary. We use cloth diapers, though Cezar is 14 months old now, and loves to take his off whenever possible. I have been using an adapted version of this technique for him, and make a noise when he eliminates, and immediately place him over the toilet. He is not doing it himself quite yet. Too bad our culture isn’t accepting of babies peeing in the streets! ;)

The Importance of Touch

by admin on February 1, 2013 in Uncategorized with 3 Comments

New Research Focuses on the Power of Physical Contact, via NY Times: “In recent years some researchers have begun to focus on a different, often more subtle kind of wordless communication: physical contact. Momentary touches, they say — whether an exuberant high five, a warm hand on the shoulder, or a creepy touch to the arm — can communicate an even wider range of emotion than gestures or expressions, and sometimes do so more quickly and accurately than words.

The evidence that such messages can lead to clear, almost immediate changes in how people think and behave is accumulating fast. Students who received a supportive touch on the back or arm from a teacher were nearly twice as likely to volunteer in class as those who did not, studies have found. A sympathetic touch from a doctor leaves people with the impression that the visit lasted twice as long, compared with estimates from people who were untouched. Research by Tiffany Field of the Touch Research Institute in Miami has found that a massage from a loved one can not only ease pain but also soothe depression and strengthen a relationship.”

 

A common parenting tendency to attempt to modify children’s behavior primarily with our voices, followed up by physical intervention when this fails. Touch is rarely proactive, and is often negative.
Earlier today, my 14 month-old Cezar had climbed onto the table and was putting my necklace into a cup of cold tea. Preoccupied myself, I called out to him to please stop, worried he would spill on the plethora of electronics in the vicinity. He paused and looked at me, undoubtedly made curious by my stern and animated reaction. I called out to him again. Not breaking eye contact, he slowly lowered the necklace back into the tea.  Sheepish about my own lazy and incredibly futile method, I went and retrieved the cup. He of course protested and became even more upset when I took him off the table.

I know I am not alone in practicing this sort of ineffective pattern of communication; in fact, I received a question last week from a woman who was at her wits end with her toddler, whom she said “doesn’t listen to anything I say! In fact, she seems to deliberately do the opposite just to get a reaction!”

I find it interesting that we treat verbal cues as though they are imbued with magical properties that should change the behavior of children as though the utterances were literally spells or incantations. Why do we assume that spoken language is or should be the most effective way of prompting kids?  One thing I’ve noticed is that many of us seem wary of using physical guidance or instruction until all attempts at verbal persuasion have been exhausted and frustration has set in. This sets up the subsequent physical interaction to be negative since it comes in the form of intervention, rather than proactivity.

Back to my Cezar. In that typical situation, it would have been more effective for me to have gone over to him the instant I took notice, and provided assistance on what he was trying to do. If he was curious about the liquid in the cup,  I might have brough over a spoon and guiding his hand with it to show him how to stir slowly without spilling. If it was too hot, I could have showed him how to put his hand near the surface to test for heat. I could have also done a separate demonstration on how to put the necklace on himself carefully, and away from the tea. The rule of thumb here is that they are curious, and there is almost always a way to address that curiosity safely; it just requires some hands-on assistance, rather than shouting crude commands.  Physical interaction should be supportive and proactive, and the verbal cues should be supplementary and explanatory. This method is also most likely to be safe long-term since the lessons learned from exploration are more effective than ones learned from directives or intimidation.

Here are some tips I’m using to help me become better at non-verbal communication:

  • Move closer. Don’t let your voice be the first thing on the scene.
  • Instead of “shhh-ing” a crying child or asking “are you okay?” Simply use touch and your physical presence to send a message of security and comfort. Often there is no need to say anything anyways.
  • In any situation where you might say “Stop that!” or “Put that down!” consider how you can use a positive non-verbal approach to solve the problem. It might be initiating an activity together, or giving a hand with something, or simply exploring the breakable object with them until their curiosity is satisfied.

Language is wonderful, and I strive to provide full commentary and explanations along side hands-on learning. However, the need for touch and positive physical interaction is primary to human wellbeing, and is an oft-neglected component of childhood socialization. Rather than outsource comfort and stimulation to external objects, we need to rediscover the real source of those physical needs.

Do you have any tips on how to use more non-verbal communication? Share them in a comment!

Thankful

by admin on November 22, 2012 in Uncategorized with No comments

Now that it’s late November, and we are in the thick of our fall routines, I find myself looking to make room for slower living and gratitude amidst our obligations. With my partner often away internationally on business, my 4 year old shuffling back and forth with a full load of Montessori and extra-curriculars, (of which her father and step-mother share the load,) my own commitments as a board member of a community school, participation in events, breastfeeding an 11 month old and sort-of maintaining a household, it’s easy to fall into perpetual pack-and-prepare mode and miss out on the zen and beauty to be uncovered within each passing moment.

This evening, I experienced one such moment. While on the couch with the kids, my 11 month old started cruising in the direction of a bowl of partially-eaten food left on the end table. I reflexively moved to get up and take it to the kitchen before he could grab it, squish it between his fingers, onto the carpet, and inevitably my hair. But, I paused, and decided to put concerns aside for a moment and just see what he wanted to do. Sure enough, his fingers dipped straight into the stuffed potato, which he smeared slowly across the end table. He then reached for the spoon, which he carefully dipped into the potato’s flesh, and proceeded to cruise over to the (white fabric) couch where my daughter was sitting; the spoonful of potato gripped precariously like a loaded trebuchet in his fist. I was living dangerously tonight I decided, really wild, and didn’t move to redirect him. Standing directly beside his sister’s face, my baby slowly and deliberately moved the spoon into her mouth. She giggled in surprise. Pleased, he went back to the table to reload his spoon. He continued feeding her tenderly for a couple of minutes, carefully reloading and then back over to her mouth. By the last load they are both laughing together, that sweet, resonating, heart-warming laughter of sibling camaraderie.

After cleaning up the remnants, tucking them into bed with me and nursing the baby to sleep, I reflect on how blessed I am to share my life with these people. I love them so dearly, and hope that they get to share the same warmth and kindness with the world that I get to see in them every day. In the meantime, I am thankful for the opportunity to slow down our time a little bit by opening up more moments for connection and joy with each other.

Stop telling kids what to do

by admin on October 3, 2012 in Uncategorized with No comments

I have been preoccupied with the same profound realization that someone else voiced to me today in this private message: “After reading the ‘Making Threats‘ article, my mind can not stop illuminating the parallels between the parent to child relationship and all of society/politics etc. Wow. Wow. Wow. If I had to pick a way to ‘save the world’, I think your ideas are the place to start.”

Indeed, we are all children first. Our initial interactions with this world, those that shaped us and molded us most profoundly, were with our caretakers, most likely our parents. The relationship dynamic we experienced with them becomes a metaphor for our relationship with the world, for better or for worse, often both.

So many of our problems as society of clashing groups and individuals can be expressed as a function of the systemic struggle to control, with alienation as a corollary. When we punish our children, when we reward, when we threaten with time-out, when we shame them for unappealing behavior, we aim to control, and succeed to alienate. What is done to children is played out in society.

Consider a benign example of a stressed parent, rushing to get out the door on time. He yells to his son, “go put your shoes on. Now!” This is a challenge, not a strategy.  One could make excuses for him, but the situation will play out predictably:

  1.  Boy takes order, Hastily puts his shoes on without question. Ability to follow orders is established with inferiority to the father.
  2.  Boy refuses. A simple “No,” is to be interpreted as a counter challenge to his father. How will he take this blatant defiance of his issue of authority? Roll over, or Bark louder? He will likely follow up with some sort of bribe, threat, or imposition of consequence to establish his might.

In either scenario, there is a clear hierarchy underlying the communication, which will be established either through the boy’s final concession to his father’s might, (curiously, this is often confused for ‘respect,’) or his father to his, if he backs off, afraid of his son’s emotions or too lazy to attempt to redirect the communication.

Old-fashioned schools of thought take this hierarchy of dominance for granted, and focus on ways in which the parent can establish it over the child most effectively.  It isn’t, however, the only way.

Consider our most intimate, functional relationships, as they are usually ones in which ‘Truce’ is protected. There is mutual respect, and a firm Line between persuasion and coercion. When we love someone, we want to protect him or her. This is especially true of children, of whom we have assumed role of caretaker. While there are emergent times when we might have to take liberties over their bodies or possessions in order to keep them, or others, safe from harm; On a daily basis, there are few that require more then gentle coaching or direct assistance. In order to protect and nourish a lifelong connection to our child, we must guard the Truce in our communications, and introduce them to the Line with others by respecting it ourselves with them.

How can the father in the example avoid issuing challenges as though he is a military leader, training recruits?

  1.  Set the agenda, and invite collaboration. The start time of the appointment isn’t negotiable, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t room to engage their minds. “We are going to the doctor’s in an hour. We need our shoes on before we go outside. Is it raining out? Maybe we should wear our boots instead.” Opening the dialog up, in an interesting way, invites problem solving and collaboration, and appeals to curiosity and logic instead of relying on coercion and authoritarianism. (See: How to develop reasoning skills)
  2.  It’s okay to multitask. “Let’s get our shoes on AND bring a few of these toys in the car with us so you can finish playing on the way there.”

Refusing to engage in controlling children through authoritarian coercion not only eliminates anxiety from the relationship, but also is essential to raising compassionate and freethinking beings who are able to collaborate productively in a society of peers.

Or, as my daughter succinctly puts it, “I just don’t want you to tell me what to do.”

How to develop reasoning skills

by admin on August 6, 2012 in Uncategorized with 154 Comments

I am passionate about honing my own reasoning skills and rationality, and I’ve found that my children’s own developing faculties are often the biggest catalysts for my development. It follows that I have made it part of my parenting mandate to encourage my children to be as rationally sharp and introspective as possible.

     A simple way I’ve found to encourage reasoning skills in young children (I will even use this one on my 7 month old, though I skip straight to the commentary since I’m the only one speaking), is to pose questions about things we take for granted, for the purpose of brainstorming. For example, ‘Why is this mirror beside the closet?’ or ‘Why do we eat soup with a spoon?’  There is no ‘final’ answer, and I offer many; the goal being to model how to efficiently take inventory of supporting data, so that they will become quicker at determining the usefulness (or uselessness), of a given practice.

Some simple ways I  frame my ‘reasoning questions’:

  • Considering alternatives. Explain the practical considerations for other options, and how they contribute to the final decision. For instance, If I’m planning to drive to the store, I might ask my daughter to take inventory of the other ways in which we could get there. How long would it take if we walked? Could we ride our bikes with shopping bags?
  • Fiction books. I like to pause throughout the reading to speculate on various outcomes, and challenge my daughter to recall information to support or contest my speculation.

Why the strong focus on reasoning?

The ability to question the status quo is an invaluable skill, one that is intrinsically linked to human innovation. Every generation must decide whether or not the way things have been done by the past one is optimal; and when it isn’t, not shy away from rejecting it. Tradition alone is not reason enough to perpetuate norms, and I want to ensure that our kids do not feel bound by our traditions for their own sake.

Most importantly, I want to clearly model my own thought processes for my children, without doing their thinking for them. Strong and flexible reasoning helps children avoid developing a rigid acceptance of norms and dogma. Once they able to understand the mechanisms of my thinking, they will be able to challenge and improve on it, which is where the real fun is.

What are some ways you help your child develop their reasoning ability? Do you find yourself challenged by their skills yet?

 

 

 

When kids speak up: bravery and fallout

by admin on July 31, 2012 in Empathic Civilization with No comments

I posted a few months ago on the topic of truth-telling. (Encouraging bravery in telling the truth)  This topic has been on my mind again, due to an incident with our 4 year old. She recently told me that a neighbor girl, who is a few years older, had played with her in a way that bothered her. I could tell she was hesitant to bring it up. What I did not want to do was make it into a huge issue, or impose ideas on her; I wanted to validate her feelings, talk about personal boundaries, and look for a path forward. She insisted she still wanted to play with her, she just didn’t want her friend to behave in that way anymore. I told her that given what she had told me, maybe it’s best if we only have this girl over here where I can directly supervise, or when we are all outside together, to which she agreed. I also told her that we would be calling her friend’s mom, to make her aware of the situation. (Which we did.)

Fast-forward a week post-discussion. Our daughter knocked on her door to invite her outside with us. She came back slumped and sad, and said that she isn’t allowed to play with her anymore. “But why, mom?” I tried to run through a list of reasons her mom might have for not allowing her daughter to play. I was hopeful that it was just a one-time thing. As it turned out, she was no longer allowed to play, period. Later on, my daughter came to me and said, “Mom, I lied. I was just telling a Lie.  She didn’t do that stuff.” I was patient. I wanted to see where she was going with this. Not getting any reaction from me, she pushed on earnestly, “Go call her mom again and tell her she can play now because I was just lying!”

She had seen how telling me what happened had prevented her friend from playing with her any longer. She hoped by taking it all back that she could also have her friend back. I could see a Life Lesson at work, and not an easy one. There are few things in life as painful as when our decision to speak up appears to punish us. (Though the pain of not speaking up is one of them.) Sadly, from a young age, well-intentioned parents subtly punish children for speaking up, who consequently learn that sometimes not saying anything means fewer people get hurt. What do I think about that? Absolute bullshit, of course. The trust and honesty from our children is more valuable than your fear/anger/embarrassment as a parent, which is more than heavy enough to destroy both with a glance.

I have tried to explain to my daughter that she is not being punished. Speaking up honestly about things that bother us is worthwhile in and of itself; the truth strengthens us, makes us brave, and sets us free. We can’t control how others will react, and rightly so; telling the truth isn’t to control, it is to release. She felt right about telling me what had bothered her, just as I had to tell her friend’s mom. I told her I wished that I could make it as simple as sparing her friend, but the implications of concealing reality in order to protect someone can sometimes be worse. There is always a bigger picture.

Lessons for when kids speak up:

  1.  Don’t react. It’s not our job to impose shame, guilt, or regret.
  2.  Listen, encourage, and explore the outcomes.
  3. It takes bravery to speak up, so we must nourish that bravery.
  4. The power of truth is release, not control. It won’t shield us from consequence.

It’s Simple: Talk More

by admin on June 18, 2012 in Uncategorized with 26 Comments

In their 1995 study, Betty Hart, Ph.D., and Todd R. Risley, Ph.D. made a revelatory discovery: a child’s academic success at age 9 and 10 is directly linked the the number of words spoken to them before age 3.

Most revelatory discovery was that the “type” of language used isn’t as important as the amount.

Risley notes that both talkative and non-talkative (taciturn) parents use the same amount of “command” type talk, including directives like “No”, “Come here”, and “Stop that”. While the taciturn parents use almost entirely command talk, the extra talk from the more talkative parents is automatically more positive and complex:

“It was ‘chit-chat’ and gossip and running commentary that was automatically rich in the varied vocabulary, complex ideas, subtle guidance, and positive reinforcement that are thought to be important to intellectual development — the ‘good stuff’ of Developmental Psychology.”

The implications are that if we can simply talk more to our children, the commands will remain constant; thus, our ratio with enriched speech will improve the more we speak.

“ We don’t have to (try to) get parents to learn how to talk differently to their children. We just have to help them practice talking more.“

 

“Many parents are raised in a family culture of sociability. They give to their babies the benefits of the activities and conversation they share and the vocabulary growth it engenders. And, they pass on to their babies the culture of sociableness (and conversation) itself, a pattern that is repeated for generations to come. These are advantaged families and advantaged children. But in many of the family subcultures of poverty, the hours of babies’ lives are mostly empty of adult-provided structure and symbolic accompaniment and interaction is only when necessary. To change these family subcultures we must focus on teaching parents, and potential parents, how to fill up all the awake time of babies with activities and conversation so that they are accumulating as much coherent and symbolic experience and social dance practice as their advantaged American age-mates – hour after hour, day after day, month after month from the very beginning.”

How can we start to talk more?

Turn off the TV. The verdict is in: For every hour a television was turned on, babies heard 770 fewer words from an adult. 

Form new associations. For instance, while you are doing your child’s hair, recount to them the kinds of styles your mom did your hair in. Talk about animals that also have long enough hair to brush or braid.

Give a running commentary. While you are occupied with something, for instance, cooking dinner, describe your actions as though you are recording a youtube how-to video. Count the stairs as you climb. Describe your actions and outfit as you get dressed in the morning. Even if your child isn’t paying attention, they are absorbing your language and increasing their intellectual capacity.

Be mindful of technology. I’m a big offender here. I like to use the internet for communication as much as (or more than) the next person, so I try to take moments to think of ways to introduce kids to the topics I’m reading or discussing.  For instance, an article about currency inflation may bore my 4 year old, but I can use the opportunity to give her an “intro-level” discussion about what money is and why we use it. If I have to send a message I will often speak my message as I am typing.
Do you have any ideas for increasing talk-time? Share them in the comments! (Or, turn of your computer and go talk to your kids!)

Raising a Go-Getter

by admin on June 15, 2012 in Uncategorized with 190 Comments

Raising our children to be creative go-getters can be challenging, particularly if we do not feel we always embody those traits ourselves.

Last year, Lady Gaga revealed her own brilliant thought experiment she uses to empower herself to write music:

“I wanted to thank Whitney because when I wrote ‘Born this Way,’ I imagined she was singing it — because I wasn’t secure enough in myself to imagine I was a superstar,” Gaga told the crowd at the Staples Center. “So, Whitney, I imagined you were singing ‘Born This Way’ when I wrote it.”

Narratives are powerful, and we have creative control over how we cast ourselves in our lives. If we –or our children- don’t feel bold enough to conquer new territory, that aversion alone imposes limits on our achievement. To break the cycle, try to envision the strongest, bravest, and most ambitious person you know, and imagine they fell into your shoes. What steps would they take to get back into a position of privilege?

Tips for creating empowering narratives:

    • The next time you are tempted to say “I can’t do that…” think of someone who could. How would they go about accomplishing the task? What kind of wisdom or advice might they impart? We must let our kids see us be inspired by the strengths of others, and open to channeling them.
    • Show them how. When a child is too nervous to participate in something new, but wants to, set an example by doing it yourself, with enjoyment. Having them just watch is rarely enough; we we have to also create the narrative in which they can identify and feel secure. “I’m going to go down the waterslide first.” And then, “Wow, that was fun! This time, want to do it together?” When we have a strong mentor (real or imagined) we can capitalize on their momentum and before we know it, we’re doing it ourselves.
    • Take some pressure off. If your child is getting frustrated trying to draw something, take a break to look up paintings other artists have done and take note of all the different styles in which something can be drawn. Let them know it takes many hours, days, even years of practice before we are able to achieve proficiency at a new skill, but there are endless ways of doing something well.

 

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