All posts tagged how to teach kids to think

The Importance of Touch

New Research Focuses on the Power of Physical Contact, via NY Times: “In recent years some researchers have begun to focus on a different, often more subtle kind of wordless communication: physical contact. Momentary touches, they say — whether an exuberant high five, a warm hand on the shoulder, or a creepy touch to the arm — can communicate an even wider range of emotion than gestures or expressions, and sometimes do so more quickly and accurately than words.

The evidence that such messages can lead to clear, almost immediate changes in how people think and behave is accumulating fast. Students who received a supportive touch on the back or arm from a teacher were nearly twice as likely to volunteer in class as those who did not, studies have found. A sympathetic touch from a doctor leaves people with the impression that the visit lasted twice as long, compared with estimates from people who were untouched. Research by Tiffany Field of the Touch Research Institute in Miami has found that a massage from a loved one can not only ease pain but also soothe depression and strengthen a relationship.”


A common parenting tendency to attempt to modify children’s behavior primarily with our voices, followed up by physical intervention when this fails. Touch is rarely proactive, and is often negative.
Earlier today, my 14 month-old Cezar had climbed onto the table and was putting my necklace into a cup of cold tea. Preoccupied myself, I called out to him to please stop, worried he would spill on the plethora of electronics in the vicinity. He paused and looked at me, undoubtedly made curious by my stern and animated reaction. I called out to him again. Not breaking eye contact, he slowly lowered the necklace back into the tea.  Sheepish about my own lazy and incredibly futile method, I went and retrieved the cup. He of course protested and became even more upset when I took him off the table.

I know I am not alone in practicing this sort of ineffective pattern of communication; in fact, I received a question last week from a woman who was at her wits end with her toddler, whom she said “doesn’t listen to anything I say! In fact, she seems to deliberately do the opposite just to get a reaction!”

I find it interesting that we treat verbal cues as though they are imbued with magical properties that should change the behavior of children as though the utterances were literally spells or incantations. Why do we assume that spoken language is or should be the most effective way of prompting kids?  One thing I’ve noticed is that many of us seem wary of using physical guidance or instruction until all attempts at verbal persuasion have been exhausted and frustration has set in. This sets up the subsequent physical interaction to be negative since it comes in the form of intervention, rather than proactivity.

Back to my Cezar. In that typical situation, it would have been more effective for me to have gone over to him the instant I took notice, and provided assistance on what he was trying to do. If he was curious about the liquid in the cup,  I might have brough over a spoon and guiding his hand with it to show him how to stir slowly without spilling. If it was too hot, I could have showed him how to put his hand near the surface to test for heat. I could have also done a separate demonstration on how to put the necklace on himself carefully, and away from the tea. The rule of thumb here is that they are curious, and there is almost always a way to address that curiosity safely; it just requires some hands-on assistance, rather than shouting crude commands.  Physical interaction should be supportive and proactive, and the verbal cues should be supplementary and explanatory. This method is also most likely to be safe long-term since the lessons learned from exploration are more effective than ones learned from directives or intimidation.

Here are some tips I’m using to help me become better at non-verbal communication:

  • Move closer. Don’t let your voice be the first thing on the scene.
  • Instead of “shhh-ing” a crying child or asking “are you okay?” Simply use touch and your physical presence to send a message of security and comfort. Often there is no need to say anything anyways.
  • In any situation where you might say “Stop that!” or “Put that down!” consider how you can use a positive non-verbal approach to solve the problem. It might be initiating an activity together, or giving a hand with something, or simply exploring the breakable object with them until their curiosity is satisfied.

Language is wonderful, and I strive to provide full commentary and explanations along side hands-on learning. However, the need for touch and positive physical interaction is primary to human wellbeing, and is an oft-neglected component of childhood socialization. Rather than outsource comfort and stimulation to external objects, we need to rediscover the real source of those physical needs.

Do you have any tips on how to use more non-verbal communication? Share them in a comment!

How to develop reasoning skills

I am passionate about honing my own reasoning skills and rationality, and I’ve found that my children’s own developing faculties are often the biggest catalysts for my development. It follows that I have made it part of my parenting mandate to encourage my children to be as rationally sharp and introspective as possible.

     A simple way I’ve found to encourage reasoning skills in young children (I will even use this one on my 7 month old, though I skip straight to the commentary since I’m the only one speaking), is to pose questions about things we take for granted, for the purpose of brainstorming. For example, ‘Why is this mirror beside the closet?’ or ‘Why do we eat soup with a spoon?’  There is no ‘final’ answer, and I offer many; the goal being to model how to efficiently take inventory of supporting data, so that they will become quicker at determining the usefulness (or uselessness), of a given practice.

Some simple ways I  frame my ‘reasoning questions’:

  • Considering alternatives. Explain the practical considerations for other options, and how they contribute to the final decision. For instance, If I’m planning to drive to the store, I might ask my daughter to take inventory of the other ways in which we could get there. How long would it take if we walked? Could we ride our bikes with shopping bags?
  • Fiction books. I like to pause throughout the reading to speculate on various outcomes, and challenge my daughter to recall information to support or contest my speculation.

Why the strong focus on reasoning?

The ability to question the status quo is an invaluable skill, one that is intrinsically linked to human innovation. Every generation must decide whether or not the way things have been done by the past one is optimal; and when it isn’t, not shy away from rejecting it. Tradition alone is not reason enough to perpetuate norms, and I want to ensure that our kids do not feel bound by our traditions for their own sake.

Most importantly, I want to clearly model my own thought processes for my children, without doing their thinking for them. Strong and flexible reasoning helps children avoid developing a rigid acceptance of norms and dogma. Once they able to understand the mechanisms of my thinking, they will be able to challenge and improve on it, which is where the real fun is.

What are some ways you help your child develop their reasoning ability? Do you find yourself challenged by their skills yet?